Forgetting you.

Yesterday you called.
My heart beat faster to see your number
Flashing on my screen.
I smiled as I heard your voice.
But you sound like a stranger.
You are so careful and polite.
I weep inside to hear you so.
I steel myself and strengthen my resolve.
I don't need you any longer.
You can't hurt me again.

I tell you I don't care anymore.
That I am past all that.
But I long to hear you say something sweet.
And why do I check my phone every morning?
Just in case you dropped me a line.
Like you have never done.

No! I don't love you anymore.
And I could never be your friend.
But you have since become my shadow.
How do I get rid of you?


Oh dear Lord! Put me out of my misery.
Or wipe out my memory of him.
'Tis a tough habit to ditch.
Help me find my way back to happy days.
Back to when I could smile without pain.

Irony

Dark hole

Inside this hole,
I die a little everyday.
Oh love! How you have left me distraught!
It rains unceasingly and my tears they flow with it.
My heart still beats.
In slow motion.
Keeping time with my teardrops falling.
I will never love again.
I will never smile again.
But I'd rather die than never have to see you again.

Blue October

I am beginning to wonder if October isn't really the best of time for me ever.
So much has happened since it was last an october and now I am in November.
Life has totally taken a U turn for me and though I still don't quite understand how it can be for anyone's good, the things that have happened to me so far, atleast I am whole in person, body and spirit so no complaints there. I don't want to ever be a whiner and here I am, trying to count my blessings.

October in my childhood was the month we get autumn breaks and in college to.
During my student life in New Delhi, October was the month everyone went back home to their families but I rarely did that. But I had bible camps and retreats and even short term courses and projects to keep me busy. Learnt a lot I have to admit not that I am any kind of expert in anything.
Now October was the month my life drastically changed last year and even this year but I am glad I got to experience all that I have. It has only made me realise what kind of a person I am. Made my mistakes, learnt from them and plan to never repeat them again. This October was another opportunity to reaffirm myself about His grace and blessings. And a chance to redeem myself in my own eyes atleast.

I have regained my confidence to just be myself and not give a shit about what others say or think of me.
I know now that I cannot make anyone happy if I am not happy and I have made my peace. Sounds selfish but a little late I realise that I have to live for myself and I intend to fully do that.

So now, I might suffer a little October blues once in a while but I ain't letting anyone ruin my party or drive roughshod over me and my feelings. I read somewhere that you can't get hurt unless you decide to feel hurt. So here's the new me saying cheers to "Feeling every emotion but not letting anything hurt" because it is all in the head. Yours and mine. And my happiness depends only on me and nothing or nobody else. Cheers! To happily everafter!!!!

Betrayal

Tonight you broke my heart again.
I am a fool to let you near my heart.
So here on I will lock it away.

Trust didn't come easy but you were so smooth.
But now you join the list of the dead.
Sweet words that dripped honey now poison me.
My soul is trampled and crushed to the core.

So this is how you weather the storm?
You promised me a rainbow but left me in the deluge.
I am slipping away to the edge.
Nothing can save me from myself.
And you are even less than nothing.

The rains disguise my tears and the shadows hide my eyes.
Oh that I will smile again but never more for you.
Never is too short a time if I were to ever see you again.

Buy her a rose for me.
And pierce me through the heart with the thorns.
Stolen kisses are the sweetest but a broken heart never mends.

Gettin' over you

Loving you seemed so easy that it doesn't mean much now,

Mind and body are over you but my heart still wants you now,

Caught between love and the truth, it doesn't matter how,

Of all the time I understand it's gonna be hard,

Gettin' Over You...

Fall came Winter followed to this time of year

Spring rained into Summer, what I wanted turned to me,

Easy to tell myself it's another thing to feel

The only thing I know for sure is that I've gotta get over you,

I've tried and I've tried to put it all behind me,

Someone strong may find the way but she's never been loved by you,

All the things that I tried to be,

All the things you inspired in me,

Are all the things that are keeping me,

From Gettin' Over You...

I guess I'll see the day when you're not a part of me,

Time's changed all the pain to a loving memory.

Easy to tell myself it's another thing to feel,

The only thing I know for sure is that I'll never get over you,

I've tried and I've tried to put it all behind me,

Someone strong may find the way but she's never been loved by you,

All the things that I tried to be,

All the things you inspired in me,

Are all the things that are keeping me,

From Gettin' Over You

Dark heart

The rains are falling again

The mist has blinded my eyes

My heart is stilled by the emptiness

A hollow shell of dead dreams

Desolation reaches the depths of my soul

Pain is my constant companion and misery dogs my every step

Silence rings strange, pitter patter of my teardrops

Tonight the curtain falls

Sleep has fled from me

I cut my heart out and placed it on a platter

Now heartless and soulless I wander

I made my muddy bed and I have to lie in it

When will this night end?

Before I weep tears of blood

Give me my final redemption.

Ramblings

I was young once.
I had strength and passion.
I was innocent and trust came easy.
Friends I had many and cares none.
Sorrows were fleeting and laughter always won.
I was fearless and dreamt of touching the skies.
I thought I was free.

And then I grew up and all I can see now is walls.
There is a pool of emptiness inside.
I am blinded by experience and hardened by disappointment.
How I wish I could go back,
To those spring mornings
When the biggest worry was getting to school in time.
Dates were just numbers to cram up for an exam.

Now the war rages on within.
To love or to be loved. Is that even a question to ponder upon?
Oh to be young again and free
From the things that now make you less human but adult now they call you.

The irony of life.
To find a place in the world, you bid love farewell
But you realize on finding your place in the sun,
All you want was to be loved all along.
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