I don't think

I don't think about you everyday.

I don't remember how soft your hands are,

And how strong your arms 

When you used to hold me close to you.

I don't contemplate on the planes of your face.

I have forgotten all about the way your eyes crinkle

when you smile one of your rare half smiles

I can't even recall how your eyes shine,

When you talk about something you love.

Or the slight flare of  your nostrils as only you can.

No I don't think about you anymore.

But I can't begin to forget lest I forget all that I am.

Gone

You said you were born to make me happy
That I was the answer to your prayers
All the lovely things you said
Filled me with hope for our forever
But suddenly all is gone
You have turned into a stranger
There is a huge wall up between us
I can't seem to break through
Try as I may, it's useless
I am all ears but you refuse to speak
How did this come about?
I never pretended to be perfect
Yes! I was lonely and angry
Now I am lost and broken
How could you do this to us?
Have you forgotten everything so fast?
Now you say you are not sure of yourself like before
I surely didn't see this coming
I guess it's time for me to shut down
You tell me not to be sad
But it kills me to know you're gone
I told myself I won't shed another tear
That I'm better off but it's all lies I tell myself
It's not helping much
Everyone says time will heal
And yeah in time the pain will subside
But for now I'll sing my sad songs
And after all is said and done
I know I'll find love again
One like never before
And it'll be sunny days once more.

Forgetting you.

Yesterday you called.
My heart beat faster to see your number
Flashing on my screen.
I smiled as I heard your voice.
But you sound like a stranger.
You are so careful and polite.
I weep inside to hear you so.
I steel myself and strengthen my resolve.
I don't need you any longer.
You can't hurt me again.

I tell you I don't care anymore.
That I am past all that.
But I long to hear you say something sweet.
And why do I check my phone every morning?
Just in case you dropped me a line.
Like you have never done.

No! I don't love you anymore.
And I could never be your friend.
But you have since become my shadow.
How do I get rid of you?


Oh dear Lord! Put me out of my misery.
Or wipe out my memory of him.
'Tis a tough habit to ditch.
Help me find my way back to happy days.
Back to when I could smile without pain.

Irony

Dark hole

Inside this hole,
I die a little everyday.
Oh love! How you have left me distraught!
It rains unceasingly and my tears they flow with it.
My heart still beats.
In slow motion.
Keeping time with my teardrops falling.
I will never love again.
I will never smile again.
But I'd rather die than never have to see you again.

Blue October

I am beginning to wonder if October isn't really the best of time for me ever.
So much has happened since it was last an october and now I am in November.
Life has totally taken a U turn for me and though I still don't quite understand how it can be for anyone's good, the things that have happened to me so far, atleast I am whole in person, body and spirit so no complaints there. I don't want to ever be a whiner and here I am, trying to count my blessings.

October in my childhood was the month we get autumn breaks and in college to.
During my student life in New Delhi, October was the month everyone went back home to their families but I rarely did that. But I had bible camps and retreats and even short term courses and projects to keep me busy. Learnt a lot I have to admit not that I am any kind of expert in anything.
Now October was the month my life drastically changed last year and even this year but I am glad I got to experience all that I have. It has only made me realise what kind of a person I am. Made my mistakes, learnt from them and plan to never repeat them again. This October was another opportunity to reaffirm myself about His grace and blessings. And a chance to redeem myself in my own eyes atleast.

I have regained my confidence to just be myself and not give a shit about what others say or think of me.
I know now that I cannot make anyone happy if I am not happy and I have made my peace. Sounds selfish but a little late I realise that I have to live for myself and I intend to fully do that.

So now, I might suffer a little October blues once in a while but I ain't letting anyone ruin my party or drive roughshod over me and my feelings. I read somewhere that you can't get hurt unless you decide to feel hurt. So here's the new me saying cheers to "Feeling every emotion but not letting anything hurt" because it is all in the head. Yours and mine. And my happiness depends only on me and nothing or nobody else. Cheers! To happily everafter!!!!