Silence

favim image

Tonight is like any other night.
I am alone.
Your shadow left me.
I count the bruises of our passion.

Last night, you were my dream.
Lover,
Friend and comfort. Soulmate.

I tell myself.
Not again.

And here I am.
Craving to be yours.
Again.
And again.
This cycle of need makes me weak.

In your arms,
I am lost.
No today. No tomorrow.
Just now and us.

I wish you the best.
In life always.
And the walls come up again.

Shed your skin and be with me.
Words unspoken.
Pain in my heart.
Love flowing between us.
But not on our lips.

I miss you and yet I run.
Catch me and never let me go.
Until this pain is healed.

Silence.
Hold me and keep me warm.
Tonight.

Answering the call of the Mountains : Twin Wonder girls

"The mountains are calling and I must go."- John Muir

Most of my young life, I have lived in the hills. And wherever I go, the sight of a hill makes me feel at home. I have grown up climbing trees and chasing streams of water in the monsoons and catching tadpoles in puddles after the rains. I have trekked and climbed hills in slippers and suffered muscle cramps and sore feet and cuts. But I have also felt the thrill of being in the thick of Nature, feeling small in front of rivers and mountains and amazed at the boundless energy of the wild.

Last year, I was invited along with my sisters, to attend the Mussoorie Writer's Festival at Woodstock School and the theme being "A Mountain Festival : The Himalayas", we had the wonderful opportunity of learning so much about the unique flora and fauna of the Himalayas, efforts at cleaning up the mountains, preservation and education efforts and sat through exhilarating accounts of mountaineers, nature enthusiasts and environmentalists as they shared their experiences in stories, photographs and films over the course of a week. It set me wondering what it is about the mountains that attract so many people to seem to not care about the perils of mountaineering and all the discomforts, not to mention the amount of funding and training that is required to do serious summiting. I could only marvel at the enthusiasm they had and ask myself if I would ever be up to some serious climbing. I do have an idea of how it feels to be on top of a hill and looking around and below at the vast expanse of green or brown and blue or white, feel the cold crisp air whip your hair and whistle in your ear. It is wonderful. But the Himalayas and Mount Everest. Hmmm. Magnify that a hundred or even a thousand times and I can't even begin to imagine.

Over 4000 people have summited Mt Everest and there are more people in the fray to attempt it. There is immense beauty and the call is stronger than ever. Now that there are better equipments and know how, it would also seem even more feasible than ever and there will always be more people who will want to be on top of the tallest peak in the world and to many it won't matter if he or she is the first or the thousandth. And then again, it matters to be first.

Sometime ago, I picked up an edition of the National Geographic Magazine commemorating 50 years since Sir Edmund Hillary conquered Mt. Everest and I was completely absorbed by the picture he drew. The mountains came alive for me. I could feel the icy cold, the wind and the pain almost for real and imagined the sight of the world from up there.

Two days ago, I signed up to be a part of a LIVE blogging event powered by blogmint at FICCI's TURF 2013 - the 5th Global Sports Summit and I ran into three young people who had actually been on Mt. Everest and a few more and are raring to climb some more. I'm flabbergasted and yet their excitement was infectious. I don't see myself gearing up to go on an expedition like that anytime soon but well, I do wish them the very best.

So there is Arjun Vajpai, youngest Indian to summit Mt. Everest and Nungshi and Tashi, the world's first twins to climb Mt. Everest and I met them all in one go. How cool is that?
Sometime ago, I had read somewhere about two young ladies, twins from Dehradun who had gone on to create the world record of being the first twins to summit the Everest and they were Indians. The first thought I had was that their parents must be totally cool to let their girls do this. And the next thought was Wow! way to go girls!

Tashi & Nungshi at Turf 2013, FICCI, New Delhi

From the little trekking I have done, I know that it takes a lot of effort, discipline and patience to climb. And Everest is the mother of all climbs in a lot of ways. Extreme temperatures. Extreme everything. And being me, when I met them, I just had to ask how they dealt with the female monthly afflictions and answering the call of nature while on the climb and if being girls made it all the more difficult as the press would like to point out. (We girls got it bad! and men will act like they didn't hear or saw this bit. Hmmm. It happens you know, like the birds and the bees. It's got to be dealt with. Ahem.)

Pic courtesy: Nungshi & Tashi

Nungshi says "It is not that since we are girls, we should get special attention. It was of course more difficult in ways that are unique to being a women, but being women, we adapted to the circumstances pretty quick. Throughout our mountaineering journey, we have been pitched against men but we don't look at it from a man vs woman perspective. It is about doing the best one can in any circumstance."

Pic courtesy: Nungshi & Tashi

"Of course, it is a moment of pride that we, two girls could do this like a lot of men have done and yet we also have to acknowledge that we are as good and even better on some counts at doing this. We consistently did better than the boys in training school. Only 3 people in the training program got graded A and it was the two of us and a boy."

Nungshi & Tashi

For these twins who have traipsed around the country, courtesy of their Army father, they are delighted to have been able to see much of the world and from the top of the world too.And more of the world to see.

At FICCI's TURF 2013 Inauguration, their presence was acknowledged. "Our dad is our core inspiration and our Mother our support team. We continue to nurse our dream of doing the Seven Summits, the highest on every continent of the world. Funding is a major challenge. We have been travelling, networking and raising funds as well as promoting peace through adventure sports. We have so many dreams and the mountains have taught us that life is infinitesimally precious and we got to live while we can." says Tashi.

And while we chat, a man walks up and hands over his card and asks if they would like to get in touch with him as he is documenting twins for a film. I ask the girls what are the other things they like to do.
"We sing, play a little guitar, big time in sports playing hockey at the regional and national levels." Nungshi further explains, "We have been offered modelling assignments too. But we are right now focused on building our life skills and funds for the next climbs. Platforms like TURF 2013 also allows us to meet and get in touch with potential support. Our parents have spent a fortune to fund our dreams and we are looking at ways to harness more opportunities to fuel the rest of our dreams."

We also connected over the fact that I am from Nagaland and since they have spent considerable time in the Northeast, especially Manipur and Nagaland, we have much to share including the curiosity their names generate - Nungshi is an obvious Ao Naga name and Tashi, a Tibetan one; and share notes on the state of affairs back home. We exchanged contacts and move on to the next session while I am left with the thought in my head that these girls will surely go on to create history, shattering myths and breaking moulds that the male dominated world puts us women in. And I truly wish them the best as they draw closer to conquering more summits not for the sake of reaching each but to show respect to the mountains that beckons them and rediscovering themselves on each journey they take.

Special Note:

Thanks to Blogmint, India’s first and only paid bloggers network and the online media partner for FICCI’s TURF 2013 for allowing me to be a part of the LIVE Blogging experience.

Apo and me

This one is for the one man who has always been there for me.


Apo!Apo!
Lift me up again on to your shoulder
And show me the twinkling lights of Kohima.
Seat me under the pear tree and bounce me on your knees.
Sing me the song about aeroplanes and trains you saw in Dimapur.
Get me an ice cream from there too and not just papayas and litchees.
Tell me again about the big buses that ply in Kohima.
When are we moving to town to our new house?
Did you hear the song I sang for your from the balcony last week?
Why did you come home looking like a stranger and make me cry?
I love the black hat that you brought home.
And the big umbrella I can sit under and play.
Sing me some hindi songs again please?
Can I try my hand at your typewriter?

Apa! Apa!
Let's go for a ride on your noisy bike please.
I swear I won't fall off, I will cling to you like how you showed me to.
Please take me to the river again and teach me how to catch a fish.
Let's go check the bamboo grooves and catch some frogs.
I chewed so much gum today, we can glue many cicadas for sure.
Show me how to lift the latch and launch a catapult.
Now I know how to dress a chicken and cut wood the right way.
Help me lift this basket to my head. Oh! So that's how it is done?
Let's go buy a radio and some jeans.
And can I have some singaras too?

Apa! Apa!
Take me to town to eat chow and momos.
And say hello to the azaleas at the War Cemetery.
Or maybe have chai and puri at your office canteen.
Those aunties might give me a piece of cake again.
You have so many friends at work?
We have to fill up my forms and please sign this for me?
Thank you and now please let me go to the class picnic?
Where should I go to attend college?
Followed your footsteps and this is awesome.
My holidays begin soon and I need you to pick me up from hostel.
I should have done better and made you prouder.
No. I want to explore my options.
It's okay. I'll be gone for just three years....five years.
I am a big girl now. I know what is right for me.
Why can't I be with this boy? I'll be just fine.
Leave me alone. Why don't you understand?

Apa! Apa!
You were right. I should have listened to you.
Now I will. You know better.
I just want to be your little girl.
Don't send me away yet! I don't want to go.
Apa! I'm unhappy. He doesn't want me and I can't do this anymore.
Can I come back home please?
Thank you Apa. You always have my back.
I am sorry for embarrassing you.
I will try harder.

Apa! Apa!
Please stay awhile. Let's watch a movie.
Discuss the books you taught me to love.
I know you are bored and tired these days.
Can I do something to help? Come stay with me.
Let's go on a trip.
It's my turn to show you something fun to do.
Let's fry dal and chicken and some pumpkin.
Like good ole times.
While Mom watch us amused.
Daddy and his little girl.

Bye-bye Blackbird

Image @Internet

Bye-bye Blackbird! 
Tonight I fly, into the unknown.
The night is thick and laden with emotions.
Lights blinking in the distance.
Misty eyed, I grope in the haze.
Guide me home twinkling stars.
The moon hangs like an old man.
She's tired. 
Like me.
Ripe litchi, sweet on my lips.
My throat is parched.
I need my sleep.

Tomorrow I will hum a new tune.
Bye-bye Blackbird.
Another crow will take your place.

Don't.

Source: Internet

No.
Don't go making me weak at the knees.
Your eyes say things I can't let my ears hear yet.
Your wild kisses make me fly.
I am in danger of falling.
Falling deep.

No.
I am not afraid of loving.
I am afraid to be blue.
Alone after knowing your warmth.
Call me a butterfly.

Yes.
You make me dizzy and sway.
Don't make me change my mind.
I know how to make you melt.
Like you know how to make me shiver.

Yes.
Let's keep it intense. You and me.
Warm and sweet.
But.
Don't make me fall.
Let's grow with love.
With friendship and golden companionship.
In the end, only kindness matters.

Black

Image Source: Internet

I know there is a hole in your heart

That feels like you are being swallowed

Your world is sinking and you are drowning

Grief and pain so sharp

You sweat droplets of blood

Crushed, bruised and torn

The tears in your eyes blurs your vision

Your head echoes with thoughts

I know you are afraid and shaky

There seems no end to this night

Why is this happening you ask

I'm sorry I have no answers

I cannot save you anymore

Let me sing you to sleep and dream

My sweet, we shall find peace soon

Borrowed Time

Photo by RN

A little piece of Heaven. 

A day in paradise. 

A stroll in the mist holding on to you.

A flight up into the clouds and above.
You showed me a world of dreams.

Memories for a lifetime and more. 

Wish I could have it all and then again, a little more time. 

And Kelsang be our haunt in the hills we discovered

Winding roads to the abode of the deodars

We found our little chalet.

For a little while on borrowed time.

Thank you all the same for I am transfixed, 

Frozen in a surreal moment but the warmth says 

I'm alive and that I'll live on forever in your heart.

Running.....

Sometimes it feels so much easier to run away from it all than to face it.

And sometimes, you can't run even if you want to.

And sometimes, you have to keep running to keep it going.

Right now, I am keeping it running.

For reasons I know best.

I have stuck to my guns and faced my demons.

I will do it again if the need arises.

People around me are running too. In the way they know best.

I don't judge them or blame them.

That is how they are and the only way they know perhaps.

Life is all about running things.

Keeping it running. Sometimes running away and sometimes running home.

And we all need to run to keep our sanity on some days.

I just need us to keep holding hands as we run this stretch together.

Don't let go of my hand. I won't let go of yours.

And we keep running this race we found ourselves a part of.

Ode to a virtual friend

hello stranger, 

friend and confidante,

sometimes you could be on the other side

far away, beyond my way

and then a word, a line, a song shared 

and it all makes sense

these connections, conversations 

no one can explain

i've tried. i know

i'm just happy you are here 

and sometimes there

in my life, in my world, 

in my inbox and smartphone

under the same sun and moon

why should every relationship have a name?

somethings are beyond definition

it's enough that we clicked

over a joke, a picture, imaginary coffee

and shared a minute 

of understanding and enlightenment

wisdom and truth

that's all there is to a beautiful life

the way we touch each other's existence

giving meaning to a mundane moment

enriching life and adding color

a kind word, cheering us up unexpectedly

sobering advice that seems just right for me

i am grateful for the solidarity

and empathy and the arguments;

the answers and the questions

the humor and the faith

and just so you know

you will never be alone

somewhere in the shadows 

i lurk to bring you a smile

when you least expect it

you would do the same for me

thank you for those many seconds

when life became beautiful

and i could begin to dream again

If you could read my mind....

A song I totally love. So poignant and honest. I wish I could write like this.

If you could read my mind, love,
What a tale my thoughts could tell.
Just like an old time movie,
'Bout a ghost from a wishing well.
In a castle dark or a fortress strong,
With chains upon my feet.
You know that ghost is me.
And I will never be set free
As long as I'm a ghost that you can't see. 
                                        
If I could read your mind, love,
What a tale your thoughts could tell.
Just like a paperback novel,
The kind the drugstores sell.
Then you reached the part where the heartaches come,
The hero would be me.
But heroes often fail,
And you won't read that book again
Because the ending's just too hard to take!
                                        
I'd walk away like a movie star
Who gets burned in a three way script.
Enter number two:
A movie queen to play the scene
Of bringing all the good things out in me.
But for now, love, let's be real;
I never thought I could  feel this way
And I've got to say that I just don't get it.
I don't know where we went wrong,
But the feeling's gone
And I just can't get it back. 
                                        
If you could read my mind, love,
What a tale my thoughts could tell.
Just like an old time movie,
'Bout a ghost from a wishing well.
In a castle dark or a fortress strong.
With chains upon my feet.
But stories always end,
And if you read between the lines,
You'd know that I'm just tryin' to understand
The feelin's that you lack.
I never thought I could feel this way
And I've got to say that I just don't get it.
I don't know where we went wrong,
But the feeling's gone
And I just can't get it back!

-----------Gordon Lightfoot- 1969

Of Christmases past.

I always get sentimental at Christmas. Like in the old christmas song.
But my thoughts get lost as there is always a lot to do.
Cooking. Shopping. Packing. Decorating. Visiting. Taking care of guests. Travelling.
Being taken care of. Planning. Ah! the list goes on and on.
One evening during our family chats, Mother exclaims that Christmas is her favourite festive occasion because people are all so nice, so cheerful, so courteous...even normally bitter people come alive somehow.
And I couldn't help but laugh at her observation but it is true. Haven't you noticed?
People are all in no hurry even though they hurry through their shopping, whole families out with the nannies and maids too tagging along. There is much cheer in the air. Nice smells. Smiles all around. Happy chit-chats. Even the local butcher is a cheerful person for once, indulging in friendly banter instead of shoving the unwanted meat portions at you with the "take it or leave it" attitude and face.
Colors and lights. I love standing on my balcony night after night as soon as December hits Kohima and check out the houses around mine all lit up. And listen to old records of Boney M and Jim Reeves.

Thanks to Hornbill, Christmas lights come up even earlier. And the fireworks....Minus the noise and the pollution would be perfect. We as a people haven't really evolved. Only adopted modern ways minus the sensibilities that go with it. Almost the neo-Punjabis. No offence intended but aren't we as a people gravitating towards pomp, loudness and show nowadays? Anything for Christmas I'd say.
In my family at least, the amount of pork we consume has come down. I remember previous Christmases when we would sit down and do the Festive budget: how many cakes to buy, lists of families and relatives to visit, sugar for Granma, soap for our favourite Aunt, chickens, pork, beef and Christmas decor. Also feast donations for the church, colony children's gathering.

The week before Christmas would be spent shopping, squeezing in the annual trip to Dimapur and cleaning meat for drying and for cooking. Wrapping cakes and gifts to be given away. A trip into the wilds for local holly and of course, decorating the Christmas tree in the living room and putting up the quintessential Christmas star and light. Until early 2000, we would hunt out and cut a live pine for the tree but we now have a fake but lively looking tree. After all, it's the thought that matters right?

Last Christmas, I was on a plane for 16 plus hours, battling dehydration, kidneys acting up and a bad back. Hungry and couldn't buy food because my plastics refused to work and they wouldn't accept cash on the plane. To top it all, a very sour air hostess who yelled at me when I asked for water to drink for the third time. I guess I was being a pain. But I did meet another flight attendant who treated me to a deliciously filling turkey sandwich but whom I had to run out on to catch my next flight. Thank you and I hope he didn't get into trouble for the sandwich I didn't get to pay for {not that I didn't offer to pay but they refused cash :( }

This Christmas was a lot different and yet quite like the others too.
Less pork of course but our relatives weren't deterred in sending us more pork and the cakes arrived as usual. A lot of traffic. In and out. We made kemenya* rice cakes as usual and sent out to family and friends on Christmas eve, stopping everywhere for tea and chitchat. That's always fun. How I have missed Christmas at home.

Last year, my Christmas was a journey back but this year, I got to be home, with my loved ones and family. I couldn't have asked for a better year. I thank God for that.
Merry Christmas to everyone. And I hope you find a reason to smile and make someone smile too this season.

*sticky rice