Of Christmases past.

I always get sentimental at Christmas. Like in the old christmas song.
But my thoughts get lost as there is always a lot to do.
Cooking. Shopping. Packing. Decorating. Visiting. Taking care of guests. Travelling.
Being taken care of. Planning. Ah! the list goes on and on.
One evening during our family chats, Mother exclaims that Christmas is her favourite festive occasion because people are all so nice, so cheerful, so courteous...even normally bitter people come alive somehow.
And I couldn't help but laugh at her observation but it is true. Haven't you noticed?
People are all in no hurry even though they hurry through their shopping, whole families out with the nannies and maids too tagging along. There is much cheer in the air. Nice smells. Smiles all around. Happy chit-chats. Even the local butcher is a cheerful person for once, indulging in friendly banter instead of shoving the unwanted meat portions at you with the "take it or leave it" attitude and face.
Colors and lights. I love standing on my balcony night after night as soon as December hits Kohima and check out the houses around mine all lit up. And listen to old records of Boney M and Jim Reeves.

Thanks to Hornbill, Christmas lights come up even earlier. And the fireworks....Minus the noise and the pollution would be perfect. We as a people haven't really evolved. Only adopted modern ways minus the sensibilities that go with it. Almost the neo-Punjabis. No offence intended but aren't we as a people gravitating towards pomp, loudness and show nowadays? Anything for Christmas I'd say.
In my family at least, the amount of pork we consume has come down. I remember previous Christmases when we would sit down and do the Festive budget: how many cakes to buy, lists of families and relatives to visit, sugar for Granma, soap for our favourite Aunt, chickens, pork, beef and Christmas decor. Also feast donations for the church, colony children's gathering.

The week before Christmas would be spent shopping, squeezing in the annual trip to Dimapur and cleaning meat for drying and for cooking. Wrapping cakes and gifts to be given away. A trip into the wilds for local holly and of course, decorating the Christmas tree in the living room and putting up the quintessential Christmas star and light. Until early 2000, we would hunt out and cut a live pine for the tree but we now have a fake but lively looking tree. After all, it's the thought that matters right?

Last Christmas, I was on a plane for 16 plus hours, battling dehydration, kidneys acting up and a bad back. Hungry and couldn't buy food because my plastics refused to work and they wouldn't accept cash on the plane. To top it all, a very sour air hostess who yelled at me when I asked for water to drink for the third time. I guess I was being a pain. But I did meet another flight attendant who treated me to a deliciously filling turkey sandwich but whom I had to run out on to catch my next flight. Thank you and I hope he didn't get into trouble for the sandwich I didn't get to pay for {not that I didn't offer to pay but they refused cash :( }

This Christmas was a lot different and yet quite like the others too.
Less pork of course but our relatives weren't deterred in sending us more pork and the cakes arrived as usual. A lot of traffic. In and out. We made kemenya* rice cakes as usual and sent out to family and friends on Christmas eve, stopping everywhere for tea and chitchat. That's always fun. How I have missed Christmas at home.

Last year, my Christmas was a journey back but this year, I got to be home, with my loved ones and family. I couldn't have asked for a better year. I thank God for that.
Merry Christmas to everyone. And I hope you find a reason to smile and make someone smile too this season.

*sticky rice

I don't think

I don't think about you everyday.

I don't remember how soft your hands are,

And how strong your arms 

When you used to hold me close to you.

I don't contemplate on the planes of your face.

I have forgotten all about the way your eyes crinkle

when you smile one of your rare half smiles

I can't even recall how your eyes shine,

When you talk about something you love.

Or the slight flare of  your nostrils as only you can.

No I don't think about you anymore.

But I can't begin to forget lest I forget all that I am.

Gone

You said you were born to make me happy
That I was the answer to your prayers
All the lovely things you said
Filled me with hope for our forever
But suddenly all is gone
You have turned into a stranger
There is a huge wall up between us
I can't seem to break through
Try as I may, it's useless
I am all ears but you refuse to speak
How did this come about?
I never pretended to be perfect
Yes! I was lonely and angry
Now I am lost and broken
How could you do this to us?
Have you forgotten everything so fast?
Now you say you are not sure of yourself like before
I surely didn't see this coming
I guess it's time for me to shut down
You tell me not to be sad
But it kills me to know you're gone
I told myself I won't shed another tear
That I'm better off but it's all lies I tell myself
It's not helping much
Everyone says time will heal
And yeah in time the pain will subside
But for now I'll sing my sad songs
And after all is said and done
I know I'll find love again
One like never before
And it'll be sunny days once more.

Forgetting you.

Yesterday you called.
My heart beat faster to see your number
Flashing on my screen.
I smiled as I heard your voice.
But you sound like a stranger.
You are so careful and polite.
I weep inside to hear you so.
I steel myself and strengthen my resolve.
I don't need you any longer.
You can't hurt me again.

I tell you I don't care anymore.
That I am past all that.
But I long to hear you say something sweet.
And why do I check my phone every morning?
Just in case you dropped me a line.
Like you have never done.

No! I don't love you anymore.
And I could never be your friend.
But you have since become my shadow.
How do I get rid of you?


Oh dear Lord! Put me out of my misery.
Or wipe out my memory of him.
'Tis a tough habit to ditch.
Help me find my way back to happy days.
Back to when I could smile without pain.

Irony

Dark hole

Inside this hole,
I die a little everyday.
Oh love! How you have left me distraught!
It rains unceasingly and my tears they flow with it.
My heart still beats.
In slow motion.
Keeping time with my teardrops falling.
I will never love again.
I will never smile again.
But I'd rather die than never have to see you again.

Blue October

I am beginning to wonder if October isn't really the best of time for me ever.
So much has happened since it was last an october and now I am in November.
Life has totally taken a U turn for me and though I still don't quite understand how it can be for anyone's good, the things that have happened to me so far, atleast I am whole in person, body and spirit so no complaints there. I don't want to ever be a whiner and here I am, trying to count my blessings.

October in my childhood was the month we get autumn breaks and in college to.
During my student life in New Delhi, October was the month everyone went back home to their families but I rarely did that. But I had bible camps and retreats and even short term courses and projects to keep me busy. Learnt a lot I have to admit not that I am any kind of expert in anything.
Now October was the month my life drastically changed last year and even this year but I am glad I got to experience all that I have. It has only made me realise what kind of a person I am. Made my mistakes, learnt from them and plan to never repeat them again. This October was another opportunity to reaffirm myself about His grace and blessings. And a chance to redeem myself in my own eyes atleast.

I have regained my confidence to just be myself and not give a shit about what others say or think of me.
I know now that I cannot make anyone happy if I am not happy and I have made my peace. Sounds selfish but a little late I realise that I have to live for myself and I intend to fully do that.

So now, I might suffer a little October blues once in a while but I ain't letting anyone ruin my party or drive roughshod over me and my feelings. I read somewhere that you can't get hurt unless you decide to feel hurt. So here's the new me saying cheers to "Feeling every emotion but not letting anything hurt" because it is all in the head. Yours and mine. And my happiness depends only on me and nothing or nobody else. Cheers! To happily everafter!!!!

Betrayal

Tonight you broke my heart again.
I am a fool to let you near my heart.
So here on I will lock it away.

Trust didn't come easy but you were so smooth.
But now you join the list of the dead.
Sweet words that dripped honey now poison me.
My soul is trampled and crushed to the core.

So this is how you weather the storm?
You promised me a rainbow but left me in the deluge.
I am slipping away to the edge.
Nothing can save me from myself.
And you are even less than nothing.

The rains disguise my tears and the shadows hide my eyes.
Oh that I will smile again but never more for you.
Never is too short a time if I were to ever see you again.

Buy her a rose for me.
And pierce me through the heart with the thorns.
Stolen kisses are the sweetest but a broken heart never mends.

Gettin' over you

Loving you seemed so easy that it doesn't mean much now,

Mind and body are over you but my heart still wants you now,

Caught between love and the truth, it doesn't matter how,

Of all the time I understand it's gonna be hard,

Gettin' Over You...

Fall came Winter followed to this time of year

Spring rained into Summer, what I wanted turned to me,

Easy to tell myself it's another thing to feel

The only thing I know for sure is that I've gotta get over you,

I've tried and I've tried to put it all behind me,

Someone strong may find the way but she's never been loved by you,

All the things that I tried to be,

All the things you inspired in me,

Are all the things that are keeping me,

From Gettin' Over You...

I guess I'll see the day when you're not a part of me,

Time's changed all the pain to a loving memory.

Easy to tell myself it's another thing to feel,

The only thing I know for sure is that I'll never get over you,

I've tried and I've tried to put it all behind me,

Someone strong may find the way but she's never been loved by you,

All the things that I tried to be,

All the things you inspired in me,

Are all the things that are keeping me,

From Gettin' Over You

Dark heart

The rains are falling again

The mist has blinded my eyes

My heart is stilled by the emptiness

A hollow shell of dead dreams

Desolation reaches the depths of my soul

Pain is my constant companion and misery dogs my every step

Silence rings strange, pitter patter of my teardrops

Tonight the curtain falls

Sleep has fled from me

I cut my heart out and placed it on a platter

Now heartless and soulless I wander

I made my muddy bed and I have to lie in it

When will this night end?

Before I weep tears of blood

Give me my final redemption.

Ramblings

I was young once.
I had strength and passion.
I was innocent and trust came easy.
Friends I had many and cares none.
Sorrows were fleeting and laughter always won.
I was fearless and dreamt of touching the skies.
I thought I was free.

And then I grew up and all I can see now is walls.
There is a pool of emptiness inside.
I am blinded by experience and hardened by disappointment.
How I wish I could go back,
To those spring mornings
When the biggest worry was getting to school in time.
Dates were just numbers to cram up for an exam.

Now the war rages on within.
To love or to be loved. Is that even a question to ponder upon?
Oh to be young again and free
From the things that now make you less human but adult now they call you.

The irony of life.
To find a place in the world, you bid love farewell
But you realize on finding your place in the sun,
All you want was to be loved all along.
Content copyright Tetseos ©All rights reserved. Please do not use any images/content without prior permission.

The journey

The silence of the night is deafening. 
We rush into the darkness, twisting and turning.
Inside, it is weird. 
Almost creepy.
The compartment is a mass of snores and sighs.
Dreams spilling out. 


I lie awake.
Lights flicker in the passage.


The train rumbles on, eating up the miles.
Taking me farther from you. 
In space and time.


I fall into myself, lying in a cell; 
Cramped and my movements frozen.
Slightly claustrophobic and jaded.
I hear your fading laughter in my head.


I am losing it all.
If this is forever, my soul is lodged in the wrong place.


I want to be jointed to your ribs, 
And lie beneath you for all eternity.

Beneath still waters

A song I love. I grew up listening to a lot of ABBA, Olivia Newton John, The Carpenters, Emmylou Harris and a bunch more from Dad and Mom's collections. Such beautiful melody and simple but honest lyrics.


Beneath still waters
There's a strong undertow
The surface won't tell you
What the deep water knows
Darling, I'm saying
I know something's wrong
Beneath still waters
Your love is gone

Even a fool could see
That you'll soon be leaving me
But each and every heart
Must take its turn at misery

And this time it's me
And I'll cry alone
Beneath still waters
Your love is gone

Even a fool could see
That you'll soon be leaving me
But each and every heart
Must take its turn at misery

And this time it's me
And I'll cry alone
Beneath still waters
Your love is gone
Beneath still waters
Your love is gone
Beneath still waters
Your love is gone 
- Emmylou Harris

I remember

Azi, mother and me: in front of mother's house, my birthplace,
Thüvopisü village, Phek District, Nagaland

I fondly recall a poem we used to read in school. It is "I remember, I remember" by Thomas Hood.

And revisiting my birthplace after almost two decades last week brought such strong feelings of nostalgia that I had to look it up again.

When I stopped at my mother's house,(now occupied by some other family for the last twenty five plus years) tears just fell from my eyes.

I was very young when we used to live there so I don't really remember everything but I have vague memories of standing on the balcony, watching the lights of Kohima town and singing nursery rhymes my mother taught me. Sometimes I used to call out to my father to return home it seems, for those days he was posted in Kohima. 

I remember having picnics with my nanny on the lawns of the Government school where my mother taught. I remember the little marked grave downstairs where my poor dead sister lay. Mother kept flowers and swept it clean every morning. I remember  running up and down the stairs and my nanny chasing after me, making sure I didn't fall and hurt myself. I remember leaving home and moving to our new home in Kohima. We travelled by night and the journey seemed endless. By then I had another sister for company and mother says we were a noisy lot but always happy. I remember going for walks with mother and dad, me on my father's shoulder. I remember the clipped hedges surrounding government quarters and rock pavements winding through houses around Kohima's Bayavu colony. And in summers, climbing peach trees and catching butterflies with my cousins. I remember spending a season with father while in kindergarten and learning to cook pumpkins and squash. I remember playing big sister to my little cousins and running errands for my older cousins. But most of all, I remember being a happy child, picking fallen cherries in my neighbor's yard and dressing up in my mother's dresses and dancing to the tune of ABBA's dancing queen. Those are the memories I cherish from my childhood.

"I remember, I remember 

The house where I was born, 

The little window where the sun 

Came peeping in at morn; 

He never came a wink too soon, 

Nor brought too long a day; 

But now, I often wish the night 

Had borne my breath away!

I remember, I remember 

The roses, red and white, 

The violets, and the lily-cups,

-- Those flowers made of light! 

The lilacs where the robin built, 

And where my brother set 

The laburnum on his birthday

,-- The tree is living yet!

I remember, I remember 

Where I was used to swing, 

And thought the air must rush as fresh 

To swallows on the wing; 

My spirit flew in feathers then, 

That is so heavy now,

And summer pool could hardly cool 

The fever on my brow!

I remember, I remember 

The fir-trees dark and high; 

I used to think their slender tops 

Were close against the sky. 

It was a childish ignorance, 

But now 'tis little joy 

To know I'm farther off from heaven 

Than when I was a boy (girl)."

-Thomas Hood

Content copyright Tetseos ©All rights reserved. Please do not use any images/content without prior permission.

Dreams

I usually dream in Technicolor :)

When I was younger, I used to spend a major chunk of my morning tea time narrating my dreams to my family. Mother would remind me that I have school to get ready for, while Father always indulged me. My dreams have always been vivid and I am mostly able to remember the minutest of details. Recurring dreams and some terrible nightmares are fairly fresh in my mind even today and having shared it with my family and friends, the memory is even stronger.

While in College, I attended a Dream Analysis Seminar and it gave me much to think about. My stint with psychology tells me that dreams are either repressed wishes or scraps of memory floating about in the sub-conscious and may mean nothing or can mean a lot (depending on which school of thought you subscribe to). I choose to ignore most of what I dream but some do leave me very disturbed while some make me laugh. I do agree with the notion that dreams are an extension of a person's psyche and it is a certain type of mirroring of what is going on in your sub-conscious. But if I were to bet my life on that theory, I couldn't start to explain or understand what kind of a person I am judging from the dreams I get. (Freud would have the last laugh on this)

My mother believes that dreams are messages from the divine; that they are omens of what is to come and one should carefully interpret them and act accordingly. Most people would scoff at such a view but I have known things to have worked out quite the way she said it would based on her dream interpretation. This makes me wonder if it was just plain coincidence or a case of self-fulfilling prophecy or could it just be that she is right?

There are indeed a lot of cultural connotations to the objects and subjects of dreams, some themes are universal while others are very culture specific. For Nagas, some commonly accepted symbols are predictions of death or loss or illness through dreams involving feasting, merry making, going on a journey, getting married, having your teeth pulled out, losing your limbs or receiving cash.

Dreams of being covered in filth, losing one's clothing or shoes and cutting of one's hair or going bald indicate shame or embarrassment coming one's way. Whereas, wearing or buying new clothes, blood, pregnancy, meeting new people or capturing a wild animal etc denote good or success. 

Some people have the gift of intuition and clarity of dreaming of events as it is going to happen, while some get strong premonitions and are rarely wrong. We Nagas also have a tradition of "Listening to our dreams" before an auspicious project or travel is undertaken. Very often, our people love to predict the gender of an unborn child based on their dreams and (in a very Freudian way of using phallic symbolism) have been proven correct.

I still don't know for sure why we dream the dreams we dream and if they actually mean anything. (Nobody knows for sure I guess, in the light of the many debates and unsatisfactory conclusions.)
In the dream analysis seminar, we were advised to maintain a diary and try to recall our dreams every morning and make a note of current anxieties or events occurring in our lives at that point of time.

I have been practising this and it has been rather entertaining. Four plus years of filling my diaries with details of my dreams and studying them has given me a much better understanding of myself. I can safely say that my dreams usually reflect my state of mind at best and has a lot to do with my memories of daily events, places I visit, images from movies I have watched, pictures, music, my own thoughts and other experiences. There is still the mysterious aspect of dreaming of what seems to be absolutely random stuff but I will hopefully unravel it's workings eventually.

And here's me looking forward to the day I can piece together my favorite images and memories and "will" myself to have delightful dreams every night. After all, it's all in the mind they say.

To happy memories and happier dreams for the happiest of reality.
Content copyright Tetseos ©All rights reserved. Please do not use any images/content without prior permission.

Wishes were falling leaves

I still got your scent on me
Last night you went away
And I know where you were
And there’s nothing I can do
Cause we are both taken
No strings attached but everything connects
My soul to yours

I saw the pain in your eyes
You say you are happy for me
I tell myself I am fine
Then why does my heart feel so heavy?
I kept myself busy
Cos my head knows what to do
But my poor heart can barely
catch up
And time goes by so fast

I just got here and you have to go
But does it matter? This distance and time
When you are soul mates?
Yet it hurts to know you will never be mine
Though you are so mine
Such irony and pain

Tomorrow I walk with my head held high
In someone else’s arms
Maybe I’ll see you crossing a street with yours in tow
And my heart will still pause and give you the once over
And if I see recognition in your eyes
Maybe we could all walk together someday then
In your own words, like a big happy family again

Of writing and gaping at shoes at the mall

I have been sitting in front of my laptop and unable to write a single line for days...months actually.
And my mind is blank too. Can't think of anything to write about but that's not to say nothing is going on in my life right now. Actually maybe that is exactly why I am unable to write. Too much happening.


Yesterday I was out with my baby sister and we walked around our favorite mall in South Delhi.
Fell in love with a pair of heels. 


I wish a day will come soon when I can walk into any store and pick up anything I fancy without having to look at the price tag LOL


So in love with this pair and some more :D

Of birthdays and growing up.

Celebrated my 29th birthday two days ago. Birthdays! My mother always said my birthday wasn't the best of time for celebration. There were times my family forgot all about my birthday and realized days later that my birthday had passed.
In my household, birthdays are solemn occasions. A chicken is usually killed for dinner or some meat will make an appearance somehow.  Morning tea with cake and prayers for the birthday girl/boy. That's the birthday ritual. When I was in School, mother used to buy a whole packet of sweets so I could distribute it to my classmates. This didn't happen too often for me. Being born in mid June meant my birthday always came around during the summer break and having lived in a time where there was no mobile phone/internet or telephones, there were very few friends to share my special day with. So it was just me and my family and few friends in my neighborhood and a few devoted friends who took the trouble to show up at home. (It is a long distance to walk to my home and an arduous uphill climb.)

One time my birthday fell on the last day of class before summer break and my mom got me a packet of eclairs (such a treasured treat then) to share with my friends. I was in 3rd or 4th standard then. In the first class, I stood up very self-consciously and approached the class teacher. The class hushed in anticipation. I whispered in her ears that it was my birthday and I wanted to distribute sweets. She smiled at me, and announced to the class that it was my birthday and that I had sweets to distribute. My classmates sang happy birthday for me and I doled out the sweets and it was back to business as usual.
I don't know if people still do that in school but it is something I will never forget. Me standing in front of the class, beaming and blushing but happy and my classmates, all 80 of them singing happy birthday just for me.

For my Valentine

All over the world

Pinks and reds

Hearts worn on the sleeves and everywhere

Chocolate is the flavor of the day

And bubbly competes with the gurgling spirit

Valentine's day!

Day of celebrating love

I look in my mirror

One new wrinkle and laughter lines so deep

But you only see the smile

I don't need a day marked to show my love

because I love you everyday

It's in the small things, like you say

Yesterday you made me that cup of tea

And held my hand when I lost it all

I just know when I look in your eyes

That tomorrow comes another day

But those eyes will be the same

As this heart of mine steadily beats

For you

For us

No need for chocolates and roses

A warm look is all that takes

And in a kind word is my salvation

Today and everyday

......lines

Am in this place.

New and old.

New faces. 

Same expressions.

A flash of deja vu.

Smiles.

Faded tears.

Never too late to start over?

The dreams are the same.

Just the scene which changed.

What do I do?

My breath fails.

I clutch my heart.

Life's a blink past.

Good old me.

All alone.

Yet again.

I have wept.

And now I can smile.

Life is too short.

........and I have miles to go,

Before I can rest my head.

But who can stop me from dreaming?

Smiles.

Bright eyes.

My lips curve into a happy smile.

Finally.

About a cat

Nuna Dot was a gift. He literally fell from the skies.
One uncharacteristically hot april afternoon, my sister was awakened from her afternoon nap
by the heartbreaking mews of a kitten.
Thus began the search for the source of the unsettling cries.
Two buildings away, Nuna was lodged perilously on the ledge of an unkempt terrace.
When my sister finally got to him and picked him up, he opened his beautiful green eyes..and lo!hearts connected. My sister's friend (she's sort of a cat expert) pronounced him male.
So then, he became the fourth member of the family.

I came into the picture after his first month as the new family member
of our Delhi household, comprising of my sister, brother, me and a friend of my sister visiting us.
Dot was what we decided to called him but he would perk up when anyone said Nuna.
And those were the times when Korean flicks were the rage and so Nuna, he came to be called.
Our lives came to a standstill as he took center-stage.
Feeding him, cleaning up after his many poopy disasters (he never really got fully toilet trained) and of course, he was the most cutest creature I ever set eyes on, so he could do no wrong.
We watched him grow with great delight and faithfully chronicled his growth like adoring parents.
Well he was our baby alright.
We took turns to baby sit him and play with him.
To everyone's surprise, my nonchalant brother was charmed by his antics,
even when Nuna made his guitar case his favourite nap station.
And so Nuna grew on us.
He made Scratching posts out of every bare leg he saw. Demolished my glassware, flowers, socks and stockings.
His favourite past time was going through the trash and steealing food from the Fridge.
Was he smart? he could open the fridge. I dont know how.

Unfortunately, he was growing too big and out of control.
So one day, we took the sad decision of letting him go!
It was the hardest thing I had to ever do.
We spent many days debating what was the right thing to do.
Well. we had totally made a Naga out of him so he ate nothing but meat! and he was a real fussy eater.
The decision was made finally.
We took him out to Dilli Haat and the moment we let him out of the bag...whoosh....He disappeared!
We didnt even get a last glance.
All we had was now pictures!

Saddened and broken, and feeling bereaved, we headed back home!
Goodbye Nuna and Thank you for the delightful days you gave us!
We miss you!
Content copyright Tetseos ©All rights reserved. Please do not use any images/content without prior permission.

How I got my name.

I was born on June 16 1982 at 5:15 pm in my mother's house in the village. She was a teacher at our village Lower Primary Government School then. Mom and Dad both hail from Thüvopisü Village, in Phek district of Nagaland. Father was posted as a Teacher in another town, Dimapur and was on his way home for my birth. Mom had her eldest sister, Azu^ Küvethilü (my elder mom), my paternal aunt, Ana* Nokhune (who was the village's only nurse) and two young female cousins to attend to her. 

It was twilight and there was a power outage as usual. 
They lit up some kerosene lamps, the ones with wicks which burn out unless you turn them in when you blow them out. Mom's nervous cousins managed to drop the wick inside the lamps while refilling them and so I was born in the glow of the fireplace from the Kitchen.


My elder mom cut the cord and named me Vemütselü, meaning "goodness and wisdom" in our native Chokri Naga Language. 
Father arrived early next morning and found me sleeping in my mother's arms.
Dad and Mom renamed me Mütsevelü, "the wise and beautiful one" and that's the name on my birth certificate.


And so I was born. 
Daughter of my delighted parents.
The Teacher's daughter.
Kümüthapü's (Madam teacher) little girl.


Mütsevelü. Mercy Tetseo.
the wise/clever and beautiful one.


*Ana is the Chokri word for 'Aunt' while ^Azu means 'Mother'


Content copyright Tetseos ©All rights reserved. Please do not use any images/content without prior permission.

new year resolutions

My family had this tradition of making our new year resolutions during the week leading up to New Year's day.

Bringing in the new year with fireworks.

We would gather at home and then stay up late on New year's eve and spend an hour or so in prayer, sharing our resolutions, encouraging each other and making family plans for the New year.
There would be lots of tea and sticky rice cake to keep the party going.

We'd write our resolutions on a sheet of paper and keep it in the Family Bible.
Every Sunday evening, we would gather for family prayers and review our progress.

My parents believed that this was a good exercise in positive action because, the moment you assert an action in public, you would feel bound to keep at it. (Social Pressure Aha?)

So if you declare that you have a particular resolution for the new year.....for example, to spend less time on the phone chatting unnecessarily, your whole family had to support you and pitch in to help you keep your resolution.
Like when you are slipping up...they point it out or in Dad's case, yank the receiver out of your hands and slam it down with a final "Bye-Bye!".
(which was often.....two teenaged girls and one landline! :D )
I tell you it did get trying sometimes, but it helped us all a lot too.

For many years, I was the official reader of resolutions being the eldest.
And during the reviews, I somehow always made good progress and made an example of success.

I haven't been home for Christmas and New year for a long time and in the recent years, I even stopped making resolutions. And I haven't been much of an example lately.

But this year, I made my New Year resolutions and I haven't shared it with anyone.
Perhaps, at the end of the year, I will review my progress.
And hopefully I will have done really well for myself for once.
And maybe then, I will share it with my family just like old times,
and perhaps revive our family tradition.
Content copyright Tetseos ©All rights reserved. Please do not use any images/content without prior permission.

wake up call

I don’t sleep anymore

I don’t have anymore tears left to shed.

I got what I didn’t want and lost all I had.

The terrible irony.

I thought I had it figured out.

Well, you were always too smooth.

How come you didn’t set the alarm bells ringing?

I thought we had it made but now.

Looks like I was the bigger fool.

Or maybe I’ve gotta be thankful,

You didn’t let me make my biggest mistake.

Either way it hurts.

More than I thought ever possible.

They said “Love hurts”. Well now I know better.

Love doesn’t just hurt. It kills.

But I never heeded wise words and now I pay the price.

Some more tears and a load of heartaches later,

I’ll be holding out my heart to someone new.

And maybe I won’t  sleep again.

And maybe he will make me cry again.

But then, life is not worth living.

Without someone to share it with.

How come I didn’t see it coming?

Oh boy you got me blinded.

And now I pay with tears and heartache.

I gave you all of me.

No pride to hold me back.

Yes I gave you the power to hurt me.

And am I bruised and battered?

What a leap you took?

From sharing every little detail to freezing silence.

Just tell me where I went wrong.

We made plans to grow old together.

Silver hairs and golden silence it was to be.

Now all I have are the songs you gave me.

And they’re all such sad songs.

Did I miss my cue?

Or could it be you had it planned all along?

hmmmmm

Circa 2011.

I thought I had my life planned out but I was so wrong.

The glaring truth is.....

You can't plan life.

Time and time again, I come to this crossroad and I am the biggest fool of all because, I just don't seem to learn from my mistakes.

But today is another day and I have the chance, not to put things right,(that is never enough and never quite happens) but to do things differently and possibly redeem myself in my own eyes.

Here's to a Wiser me.

2011....The Year of Change.

Change.....for the better of course :)